Wednesday, July 9, 2008

High Anxiety

I mentioned in an earlier post that W and I -- yes, "W" - I haven't come up with a witty pseudonym for Mr. ChelleBelle as yet, and I refuse to use his suggested alternatives on general principle. At any rate, I posted earlier that we will be taking a trip via airplane later this month. Well, what I neglected to mention is that I get nervous flying. Actually, that's an understatement. I am phobic about flying. And now that the scheduled flight is a mere 3 days away, I'm having trouble eating and sleeping, and my stomach is full of butterflies.

It wasn't always this way. I used to love to fly. I loved the acceleration as the plane sped down the runway on takeoff, I loved the spectacular views from cruise altitude, and I loved settling in with a good book and a soda.

So what happened? I'm not sure. I've read that many people develop this fear in their 20s or 30s, as they become more aware of the fragility of life and begin forming their new family units. I was in my early 20s when my phobia began, and traveling frequently (by air) for work. I did have a few rough flights which were weather-related, but I can't really pinpoint when exactly it started. But start it did, and now days (and sometimes weeks) before a scheduled flight, I begin worrying about it. I'm not even sure "worrying" is the right word - I'm not really consciously thinking of flying at all - I just feel anxious. "Dreading" might be more accurate.

Logically, I know that I'm safer on the airplane than I am on the drive to the airport. I know the statistics. But somehow, logic just doesn't seem to work on this particular part of my psyche. The logical part of my brain says "get a grip!" but the other part is screaming "Danger! Danger!" and marveling at how calm everyone else seems to be while it takes a massive effort of will for me to board the plane.

So before most flights, I retake an online Fear of Flying Self-Help Course. It seems to help some.

The most annoying part of all this is the general anxiety level in the days before a flight - it scrambles my brain enough that I find it difficult to concentrate on anything, including planning what to pack and preparing my workload for my upcoming absence. Also, I'm ridiculously irritable and short of patience. Grrr.

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